Episode 31: Talking to Our Children About Cohabitation and Premarital Sex

My wife and I served in a ministry helping engaged couples prepare for marriage in our Archdiocese,  up till about two years ago.

Over those 20 years of service, we noticed a distinct and worrying trend. More couples were either cohabiting or having premarital sex before they were married. The reasons given included the following:

• It was a more convenient and cost-effective arrangement, and
• They needed to test each other out to see if they were compatible before they got married.

There was another observation we made: when it came to discussing challenging topics such as finance, religion, in-laws and even sex, these couples tended to have a lot more difficulty discussing these issues with each other in depth. And we could sense a rather deep tension, sometimes even a coldness, between them.

Shaky Ground

On deeper reflection, this should not be too surprising. Once a couple starts focusing more on the physical aspects of a relationship, they will tend to focus less on the other important aspects that would enhance their relationship, that would bring their relationship to a deeper level of intimacy – such as communication, understanding each other’s thoughts and emotions, love language, and so on.

When that happens, their relationship is less enriched, less sturdy, and thus less able to take the misunderstandings and storms that will inevitably happen in any marital relationship. This may explain why many studies show a strong correlation between cohabitation and subsequent divorce. We have included some of the studies in the resources below. We have also included some links to talks by Christopher West and Jason Evert which explain this association well.

Building Strong Foundations

We know that sexual intercourse is reserved for the married. After all, sexual intercourse is essentially a bodily proclamation of our wedding vows, a time when our wedding vows that we professed at the altar become flesh in and through our bodies. Anything other than marital intercourse speaks the language of the body falsely and in an incoherent manner.

Now, I am sure, as Catholic parents, we want our children to have good, fulfilling and lifelong marriages. What can we do to help our children make the right decision in this very important aspect of their lives?

First, as always, pray for them. As St Paul emphatically puts it, “Our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits.” (Ephesians 6:12)

This is why he exhorts us to draw our strength “from the Lord and from His mighty power”. (Ephesians 6:10)

Secondly, even from the time they are young, we can talk to our children, in age-appropriate ways, that sex and staying together are reserved only for the married. Just short 5 to 10-second statements, whenever the opportunity presents itself. This sets the tone for their knowing our position on this issue: a position that is rooted in love and in our desire for them to find fulfilment in loving as God loves.

As they grow older, it might become a little bit more challenging, what with all the influence from social media, friends and so on. At this stage, it will be good to ask thought-provoking questions when opportunities present themselves, for example, when discussing teenage pregnancies and premarital sex.

• What is sex for? What does it express?
• What is the most appropriate response to a person? Is it love or lust?
• Does a particular action speak the language of the body correctly? Or does it not?
• Sexual desire is good. In fact, very good, when directed to its ultimate end, which is to love as God loves. What are the temptations a dating couple can face, especially when they find themselves alone in certain places? What can the couple do in such situations, or better still, how can the couple avoid getting into such situations in the first place?
• We could perhaps share with them our journey before we weremarried, and how we handled past experiences, maybe even mishandled them and what we learned from these. If we made mistakes in the past, perhaps we could, with discernment and prayer, share with them in a manner that will help them understand the issue better and make decisions for their own good and flourishing. How did those mistakes affect us? Whom did we hurt in the process? Not just another person, but ourselves as well. How did we seek the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness in the sacrament of reconciliation? Perhaps we could share from the experience of other persons we know who made those mistakes, but in a way that does not harm the honour and integrity of those persons.

These conversations can take place in casual settings such as the dining table or during our parent-child dates; or even while reading the newspapers or social media feed when a topic of interest comes up.

Parenting is not easy. We slip and fall. I’ve fallen so many times. But let us always rely on the Lord for His strength and our Blessed Mother for her prayers to pick us up and help us along this journey. There were quite a few times when I asked our Lord why I had been so weak and made so many mistakes as a parent. Each time the prompting I receive in His reply is that it is through my weakness that I can see and realise better, how much I need Him in our family life. It is His grace that is what we really need.