Episode 32: Talking to Our Children About Modesty

According to Oxford Languages, the term “modesty” refers to “behaviour, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency”. Essentially, it is behaving or dressing in a way that is appropriate for the occasion.

For example, in the public library we wouldn’t talk loudly. Neither would we wear our pyjamas to school or to a formal dinner, or to church, even though it is totally appropriate for our bedroom.

In the context of sexuality, we will confine ourselves to talking about decency in dressing.

Great Worth

This is what I heard from Jason Evert, in one of his podcasts.

Let us imagine the museum has for display a very precious and expensive collection, say a multi-million dollar set of crown jewels that belong to the royal family. How do you think the museum will display these? In the open within the reach of anyone that passes by? Obviously not. I am sure you would agree that the jewels would be kept in shatterproof glass displays, and protected by an extensive network of cameras, alarms and the works, for the simple reason that these have to be protected from individuals who might have avaricious designs on them.

We protect the jewels not because there is a problem with them — far from it: we protect them because of the less-than-noble intentions that some people might have when they see such beautiful gems.

The same goes for our bodies. We dress modestly, decently, not because our bodies are bad, but because our bodies are so good, so very good, that we want to protect ourselves from being seen as objects for use. The problem with immodesty, as Pope St John Paul II would suggest, is not that it reveals too much, but that it reveals too little of the person, to whom the only appropriate response is love, and never, ever lust.

Practical Steps

How can we do this?

As always, it is best to start from the time our kids are young.

From a young age, affirm them that they are beautifully made and special, and their private parts should remain private and should not be exposed to others. At this age, it is good to get them used to wearing clothes that protect their modesty. Continue to affirm their beauty in these. This affirmation of their innate goodness and beauty, coupled with your unconditional love for them, will make it that much easier to continue cultivating the virtue of modesty as they grow older.

As they grow older, we can go shopping with them. Let them choose some clothes that they may be keen on. Discuss with them the merits or otherwise of the clothes they have chosen. Then buy the clothes that both of you like, clothes that are modest, elegant and appropriate for the occasions they are to be used for, whether it is for casual wear at the beach, for a formal dinner, or for church.

If at any time we do not agree with what our kids are wearing, let us correct them gently, lovingly and at an appropriate time, without embarrassing them in any way. Once, my wife and I were not too comfortable with what one of our daughters was wearing when going out with her friends. We did not reproach her there and then, but waited till she was home.