Episode 30: Talking to Our Children About Contraception

How can we talk to our children about the morality of using condoms and other forms of contraception?

To do that, let us revisit some of the points in the Theology of the Body.

1. As human persons, we are a composite of both body and spirit. Spiritualised bodies or embodied spirits. As such we are made for more than merely biological needs.
2. Because we are made in the image and likeness of God, we are made for love, for union, for communion – for loving communion. As such, we are made by love, for love, to love and be loved.
3. What kind of love is that? Because this love finds its source in the Holy Trinity, the eternal exchange of love, it is a love that is free, total, faithful and fruitful. In this case of conjugal love, it is a love that is freely given for the good of the beloved, a love that holds nothing back but gives totally of oneself, a love that is faithful till the end, and a love that bears fruit, a love that is life-giving, because it comes from the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the Giver of life.
4. As embodied spirits, our bodies express the spiritual reality not only of who we are, but also of who God is. God, in whose image we are made. Therefore, our bodies speak a language: a language of the body that reflects such a reality. When we speak this language correctly, we are “true prophets” for our Lord. But when we do not speak this language of the body correctly, when we do something to prevent the conjugal act from being free, or total, or fruitful, or life-giving, we become “false prophets”.

Stifled

With this in mind, we can have a better idea as to why having sex with a condom, also known as a “barrier” contraceptive, is not ordered to the truth of who we are. Instead of promoting a union of bodies, a communion of bodies, the condom actually acts as a barrier and prevents us from proclaiming that language of total self-gift, that language of life-giving love that we are called to “speak” with our bodies.

In fact, this does not only apply to the condom, but to any form of contraception, which as defined by the Catechism, is “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible”. (CCC, 2370)

Put in another way, contraception refers to the act which seeks to prevent procreation, whether it is used before, during or after the act of sexual intercourse.

We can now see why the Church says that contraception is in reality a “falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love.” (CCC, 2370)

Linguistics

At this juncture, I would like to clarify that what we have just shared is not meant to be a condemnation of any one of us who might have used, or might still be using, contraception. Far from it. I might be a rather small guy, but I’m a big sinner. I can understand how challenging it is to speak the truth with our bodies in the world today.

My wife and I struggled with this too in the earlier years of our marriage. The only reason why we did not use contraception then was because I told her contraception was a serious sin and I didn’t want to go to hell. It was only through the years of living Natural Family Planning (or NFP) that I realised how beautiful the Church’s teachings were and how wonderfully wise she has been in exhorting us to live out the spousal meaning of our bodies by speaking the language of the body correctly in our married life.I did not go to kindergarten as my parents were not well off. So when I went into primary school, I learned phonics for the first time.

When the teacher told us that the letter “A” sounded like “air”, and asked us what words started with the letter “A”, I raised my hand straightaway and told her “Alicopter”, one of my favourite vehicles. My teacher told me I wasn’t quite right and that that first letter of “helicopter” would come in due course. Later when she said “E” sound like “Eh”, I raised my hand again and said “Ehlicopter”! Again, she told me I wasn’t quite right.

Now we know English has clear rules to the language, and we had to follow the rules in order to speak it correctly and properly. What would be the loving thing to do if you were my teacher in that situation? Would you say something like, “It’s OK. Just speak English any way you want. I am not going to impose the rules of English on you”?

I am sure you would agree that it would be wrong, and you would explain to me, and teach me, gently but firmly, how to speak this language correctly, wouldn’t you? The same goes with the language of the body. There are clear rules to this language because of the fact that the image of God is inscribed into our very being. And we know that it is only by speaking this language correctly and properly in all its beauty that we will find true fulfilment and happiness in due course, if not immediately.

So if any of you has been misled by the culture and used contraception in the past, do not despair, do not beat yourself about the head, do not condemn yourself. I too have sinned big time in my own way. Many times. Remember that Jesus came not to condemn, but to save us from our sins. We can turn back to Him in the Sacrament of Reconciliation and then go to Him frequently in the Eucharist. Let us go back to Him with all our heart. He will never, ever turn us away. And you can go to a good centre to learn, or relearn, how NFP works.

Ask questions

How can we talk to our teens about the use of condoms and other forms of contraception?

It is good to ask questions for them to think about. Of course, be ready with answers. We hope they have learned about our position – the Church’s teachings in this area – by now. Whatever their position may be, we can ask questions that help us address the issue.

How effective is the condom, really, in preventing pregnancy and STIs? Why?

What is sexual intercourse for? What is the language of the body when spoken between spouses, as compared to when spoken between persons engaging in extramarital affairs? What about during premarital sex? Or between a man and a prostitute?

How does using contraception change the language of the body? Which language truly reflects the free, total, faithful and fruitful love of God? Which language most accurately says that we want to love as God loves, in and through our bodies that we have already pledged to each other in our wedding vows? Which language allows Him, who is perfect love, to enter into our union without any physical or chemical barriers to that love?

Summary

Using the condom, or indeed any of form of contraception, drastically alters the language of the body. It acts as a barrier to our proclaiming the free, total, faithful and fruitful love of the Holy Trinity, the eternal exchange of self-donating love in whose image we are made.

Reflection

Let us ask ourselves this question:

How can we, by word and example, help our teens better understand the language of the body as God has given us?