Episode 26: Talking to Our Children About Sexuality – 13 Years and Older

Let’s discuss a very exciting stage of our children’s lives – 13 years old and beyond. They are now teens, and if you haven’t already noticed changes in them, both physically and emotionally, you might want to consider spending more time with them.

My teen years were one of the most tumultuous periods of my life. I thought it was one of the most exciting too, until I got married. As a teen, I remember I was looking forward to my growth spurt which I had heard so much about – but which didn’t quite happen the way I thought it would.

Building Identity

I invite you to try to remember how we were as teenagers and put ourselves in their shoes. Here are your teenagers. Their hormones are starting to rage. They are asking more questions: about themselves, about God, the world around, the attractions they feel. They are trying to find their own identity. In so doing, they may want to try to stamp their independence, even though they are still entirely dependent on us for their pocket money.

Friends seem to matter more to them, and often possibly even more than their own family. With the attractions that they feel to others of the opposite sex, they will wonder if their feelings are reciprocated. They wonder, and hope, that they are attractive to others too. As such, they will want to sound cool. Listen to their lingo when they are talking to their friends, especially when talking to friends of the opposite sex. They will want to look good. See how they seem to be so preoccupied with making sure their hair looks just right.

Does this sound like the teenager, or teenagers, you’re seeing at home? Fear not, this is quite normal. They will survive. You will survive, especially if Jesus is at the centre of your family life.

At this stage, talking about sexuality will be quite different from the stages we discussed before. We hope and pray that by this time of their development, they would have imbibed our values which we would have, should have, transmitted to them through word and example over the past years.

Do note that, at this time of their lives, they are trying to forge their own identities as they continue their journey into adulthood. We cannot be holding their hands all the time. Sure, we do need to guide them, but we need to let go, little by little, according to the level of maturity and responsibility we see in each child. It is certain that they may fall a little here and there, but that’s ok. That’s part and parcel, and I would suggest a necessary part, of growing up.

Nevertheless, as an act of love, we should make it a point to always be there for them so they can turn to us for our support when they need to, as they continue on that journey through their teen years. While challenging, and sometimes even scary, for them and for ourselves, this stage can also be very fulfilling.

Basic Principles

As we prepare for this exciting journey, allow me to share some principles upon which our engagement with them should be based.

1. We continue to build on our marriage as a model, and support, for them, so that they will always understand sexual love in the context of, and with reference to, marital life-giving love.
2. As persons made in the image and likeness of God, they need to be affirmed that they are loved, and that they are loveable. That’s our job too, no matter how riled up we may be sometimes.
3. Try to find out more about the Church’s rich, rich teachings on human sexuality. At this stage, our teens will not merely accept the “What” of what we say, but will often ask “Why?” or “Why not?” Therefore, we should take any opportunity we can to learn why the Church teaches what it teaches. There are lots of reading materials, videos and podcasts out there that we can learn from, and which are faithful to the constant teachings of Mother Church.
4. Help our teens understand the fundamental and important difference between love and lust.
5. Continue to foster an atmosphere conducive to open, honest and loving communication.
6. Never forget to pray and entrust our children and our mission to our Lord and Saviour.

The Talk

Here is how we can go about the chat on sexuality with our teens.

1. Talking with them should not take the form of a “talking down to”, but rather a “dialogue with”, asking each other why some forms of sexual behaviour are in keeping with God’s plan and others are not. Why some acts express the language of love truthfully, while others do not. Here is one of the important principles we discussed in an earlier episode on communication: we need to listen to them, often more than we talk to them. We need to ask the right questions and listen to their answers. What are they really trying to say? Where is the source of confusion, if any? Where did they get their information from?
   This is especially true today when they are bombarded with all sorts of information from the internet. What have their friends been saying about the topic at hand? What about the science lessons they have in school? When my kids were 13, 14 years old, they were already learning about human reproduction and contraception in their science syllabus. Understandably when we begin these chats, we might not always get our questions or even the conversation right the first time. But be not afraid. With prayer and practice, you will get better.
2. Make time for them and show a genuine interest in them and what is going on in their lives. In this way, we will create more opportunities for them to ask us questions, create more opportunities for us to listen to them, understand and appreciate their concerns better, their fears, and possibly if they are comfortable enough, even their feelings of infatuation. Do not force the issues. Just be there with them, for them, and let them share with you to the degree that they are comfortable with.
   To facilitate this, dedicate some time with them every day if possible, even if it is for a short time. Also consider dedicating exclusive time with each child at least once a week, whether it is at their favourite fast food joint or ice-cream outlet, or even a walk in the park or at the beach. Just be there for them and let them know they are important and matter to us. You will be surprised at how making time to be with them can open up conversations.
   When my kids were younger, I used to arrange my work hours in such a way that I could fetch them to school and back. I remember once when I was bringing my teenage girls back from school, an all-girls school, out of the blue they asked me, “Dad, what do you think of anal sex?” I broke into a cold sweat for a short while, then said a little prayer to our Lord to guide me in whatever I was going to say, then shared with them my thoughts as calmly as I could.  At the end, I told them that if I did not address their question adequately, I would be happy to continue the conversation later at home. Which we did.
3. At this stage of their lives, with hormones starting to rage in them and the attractions that they must be feeling, possibly even confusion, there are two things we want them to know. Firstly, having crushes or feelings of infatuation are normal. These feelings will come, and they will go. Secondly, it is imperative that we help them differentiate between love and lust.
   In essence, love is the sincere giving of oneself for the good of another, which is good and rightly ordered; whereas lust is the using of another person for our own gratification, a disordered desire that totally misses the mark and prevents us from loving as God loves. Examples include premarital sex, pornography, masturbation and so on. We will talk about each of these issues separately in later videos to help us address them more easily with our teens.
4. It will be powerful if we can share with our teens the positive qualities or virtues that we see in our spouse; why we think those qualities make him or her such a good spouse and good parent; and how these qualities are attractive to members of the opposite sex. This will help them have a clearer idea as to what to look out for in a future spouse, and also what they would cultivate in themselves as they journey towards becoming adults.

Summary

1. Our marital relationship with our spouse, modelled on Christ’s love for His Church, is the best human model for our teens to learn about sexual love;
2. Continue to enrich ourselves with the Church’s teachings about sexuality;
3. Make time to be with our teens, listening to them, asking them questions to understand them better, and sharing with them short bite-sized thoughts when we can;
4. The gist of the message we want to share with them is this: “We were made in love, to love and for love. And we can only find our fulfilment in life when we love as God loves.”
5. Finally, as always, never forget to pray and entrust our children to our Lord.

Following this, we will delve more into each of the relevant topics, such as cohabitation and premarital sex, masturbation, contraception and others. It is our hope that this will help us have more fruitful conversations with our children about sexuality and various related topics.