Episode 10: Communication

In the Theology of the Body, we learned that we were made for communion.

This is why communication is so important to us. We have an innate desire to know and be known, to love and be loved; to be in communion with others in heart and mind, especially with one who is close to us, such as our spouse, our family members, our good friends.

As we offer the gift of ourselves through this sharing of our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes, and our fears, we want to be listened to, we want to be understood, we want to be accepted. We want to be affirmed for who we are. We want to be loved.

 

Our Children Are Made for Love

The same goes for our children. They want to be listened to, they want to be loved and accepted for who they are, through what they have shared with us, and sometimes, perhaps even oftentimes, despite what they have shared with us.

Which is why it is so important for us to listen to them not just with our ears, but also with our hearts.

 

Conducive Environment

What is the main principle for communication with our kids, you might ask?

It is simply this: to provide an atmosphere of love, receptivity, acceptance and availability, because this facilitates easier and more open communication with our children; it will make it so much easier for them to connect and bond with us.

How?

1. As we mentioned in the previous episode, we need to be there for them in body, in heart and in mind. We need to set aside dedicated time for them every day, as far as possible. Remember to put away the mobile phone during these bonding times. Should they want to talk or ask questions, or just want to talk outside these dedicated times, be available to them. This affirms them of their importance to us. On the other hand, saying: “Don’t bother me now – I’m busy” transmits a message that they are not as important in our eyes.
2. Be a good and active listener. I know this sounds so counter-intuitive for parents, isn’t it? I have caught myself saying things like “How could you say that?” Or “It’s not right for you to feel this way!” Or “You must not do this or that because I say so”, without explaining why. Statements like these almost invariably put up a barrier to communication and our kids will naturally close up. Instead, after the child has spoken, we can show him or her we have listened attentively by repeating in our own words what he or she has said. Or we can ask questions to clarify what was said. Examples include the following: “Why did you feel this way? I see…” or “Oh dear, you must have felt so hurt because the other child said this or did that to you. I feel so much for you! Would you like to tell me more?” All this while, do maintain eye contact to let them know you’re completely focused on them.
3. Now if you are really busy and need to attend to something truly important, excuse yourself by all means, but do apologise to them first, then schedule a time to talk with them. And stick with it, or you might lose their trust.
4. Once they have experienced our listening ear and feel affirmed of our love for them, they will be much more receptive to whatever we want to share with them. At this point, we want to try to keep our part of the conversation brief and to the point, unless our child wants to hear more from us. Generally speaking, the younger they are, the shorter their attention span. Or in my case, the older I get, the shorter my attention span. Pity my poor wife…
5. Try to be approachable and calm always, so that they can be more confident in asking us questions and confiding in us. I remember once when I was driving my teenage girls back from school, an all-girls school, out of the blue they asked me, “Dad, what do you think of anal sex?” I broke into a cold sweat for a short while, said a little prayer to our Lord to guide me in whatever I was going to say, then as calmly as I could, shared with them my thoughts. At the end, I told them that if I did not address their question adequately, I would be happy to continue the conversation in the car or later at home. Thank God I didn’t get involved in an accident that day.
6. Finally, if we find ourselves rather emotional or upset with our child – which as a parent, I know can happen more frequently than we wish – it would be good to disconnect ourselves from the situation, and give ourselves a day or two, or even more, to think and pray about it, before speaking with them again. Remember, it is important that we are calm in our tone and loving in our demeanour when speaking with our children. Experts estimate that up to 90 percent of communication is non-verbal. It’s not easy, that’s why we have to pray – all the time!

Ultimately the aim of communication is to offer the sincere gift of ourselves to them, and receive the gift of themselves to us, in love.

 

Conclusion

When communicating with our children, we want to provide an atmosphere of love, receptivity, acceptance and availability, because this facilitates easier and more open communication with our children, and it will make it so much easier for them to connect and bond with us.

Reflect on the following:

1. Can I set aside dedicated time every day to communicate with my children? and
2. How can I be a better listener when communicating with them?

In the next episode, we will discuss the “D” of connecting with our children – discipline.