Episode 11: Discipline

When I was a kid, I was caned by my mother on three occasions. The first was when I was caught playing in a dirty canal downstairs from the little apartment where we lived. When I heard a familiar voice calling out my name from above – and I knew that voice did not belong to God – I knew I was in trouble.

The second time I was caned was because I refused to take my bath after a sweaty round of playtime.

And the third time I was caned… up to today, I can’t remember what it was for.

Of course it hurt when the cane made contact with my behind, but I must say I remembered those lessons well:

1. Avoid places with rats and cockroaches, which were abundant in the canal;
2. Stay clean, and
3. I can’t remember this one… Maybe it was never disobey the woman in your life.

 

Tough Love

Interestingly, I also remember that after each episode, my mother would hug me and calmly say that she did it because she loved me, that she wanted me to avoid trouble and stay on the right path. That did give me some assurance that I was still loved, even though my behind still hurt.

Now I am not for a moment advocating corporal punishment for our kids to keep them in line. No way. In today’s world, and with the advancements in child psychology, this would seem quite unnecessary, and in some jurisdictions, the parent might even be charged for child abuse. Rather, I am using this example to lead us into the topic we are discussing today, the “D” in connecting with our children – discipline.

 

What is discipline?

The word “discipline” comes from the Latin word “disciplina”, meaning “instruction and training.” It comes from the word discere — which means “to learn.”

To learn what, or to be trained in what, we might ask?

The ultimate goal of discipline is to learn to be like God. As Jesus Himself said, “You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48)

To do that, we and our children must become disciples of the ultimate and perfect Master – Christ Himself.

 

The Image of God

To discipline is not to impose a set of rules on our children that prevents them from living however they want and being a killjoy in the process. But discipline is really to be instructed, to be led, in the way of Jesus – the Way, the Truth and the Life – so that, liberated by Him from the constraints of our weakened nature, we can live out the image of God in our lives, to love as He loves, and in so doing attain true happiness. Eternal happiness.

How? By becoming formed in the virtues. As St Gregory of Nyssa said, the goal of a virtuous life is to be like God.

 

Virtue

What is a virtue? As the catechism tells us, “A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good.” (CCC, 1803)

What does that mean? Let’s take the piano, for example. I for one cannot create beautiful music with it, because I was not trained to play the piano. Put me at a piano and I will mercilessly torture your ears with the way I bang on the keys.

But put a concert pianist there, and the result will be quite different. She will tease the keys and play such beautiful music that your heart will be lifted to the heavens. Did it come naturally to her? Well, she may have been musically inclined, even gifted. But you can be sure that she must have spent years and years of practising on the piano to be where she is today, when it appears almost effortless for her.

The same with virtues. We need to learn what they are, then practise and practise and practise again, until doing the good becomes almost effortless, but all the time with God’s grace and guidance.

This is the path we want to lead our children on.

How?

Not by using harsh and demeaning methods, but by building on the loving bond we have with them, lead them to build conscience and self-control, and ultimately leading them to have a good and deep relationship with Christ our Lord and Saviour, without Whom we are nothing, and can do nothing.

 

The 5Cs

All the time, discipline must be premised on the following principles, some of which we have covered in prior sessions. These are what I would like to call the 5 Cs:

1. Be calm in our disposition;
2. Be clear in what we say;
3. Be concise in how we communicate our points;
4. Be charitable. By this I mean being filled with love for them. Not love as a sentimental fuzzy feeling, but love being defined as the commitment to will the good of the other. Yes, they must be affirmed of our love no matter what they do. We may point out a behaviour that needs to be corrected, but they always must be affirmed of our unconditional love for them;
5. Be consistent. Our disciplinary measures must be consistent, and not vary according to the feelings we have at any point in time;

Finally, turn to Christ as our model to strive after, and the source of our strength. Think about it. An absolutely imperfect individual and father like me trying to form my children to lead virtuous lives and be perfect like God? There is no way can I do it on my own power. I’m a sinner, and a big one at that, and I need Christ, our Lord and Saviour, to lead me in my vocation. I believe it is the same with all of us.

 

Summary

The goal of discipline is to live a virtuous life, to learn to be like God. We discipline, or instruct our children, by communicating with them in a calm, clear, and consistent manner, all the time turning to Christ, our source and our goal.

For our point of reflection today, let us ask ourselves: “How can I help my children to be like Christ, as I live out my vocation as a mother, as a father?”