Episode 12: Empathy

In an earlier episode on communication, we shared that our children do not only want to be listened to – they also want to be loved and accepted, through what they have shared with us, and sometimes despite what they have shared with us.

This is why it is imperative for us to listen to them not just with our ears, but also with our minds and our hearts. In other words, we need empathy when connecting with our children.

 

What is empathy?

It is the ability to emotionally understand what other people are feeling, see things from their point of view, and imagine myself in their place. Essentially, it is putting myself in someone else’s position and feeling what they must be feeling.

 

Why is empathy important?

Once our children can perceive that we have taken the effort to listen to them, to understand how they feel, and feel what they feel, they will feel more connected with us, they will be more willing to share their lives with us, and they will be more willing to listen to what we have to share with them.

When that happens, our bonding with them will improve by leaps and bounds. They will no longer see us as ‘public enemy number 1’ whom they have to shun in order to avoid any scolding or punishment, but someone whom they can trust, and even someone they can turn to during the most difficult parts of their lives. This is why empathy is such an important aspect of the communion of persons that we are called to, in this special way as parents and children.

 

How do we show empathy?

As we said earlier, by listening to them not just with our minds, but especially so with our hearts.

For younger kids in pre-school, we could say things like: “Oh… are you feeling upset? Are you crying because you could not get what you wanted? I know… I know… But if you were to have too much ice cream today, you might get a tummy ache. You know I love you so much, I do not want that to happen to you. Tell you what. Maybe we can have some ice cream another day? How about some fruits instead for now?”

This allows our younger children to feel understood, even though they may not always get what they want.

For older children, say teens for example, we could say something like: “Am I right to say that this is what you are feeling?” Continue with “I know how you feel. When I was your age, I felt the same way too.” Then carry on the conversation from there.

One good topic to share is that of teenage crushes or infatuation. We can share with our kids about our own teenage crushes. My wife and I used to share about our teenage crushes with our kids when they were teens – how we tried to take the same bus or be in the same place where a particular girl or boy was whom we had a crush on.

We told them, “Crushes are normal.. they are feelings that will come and go… just don’t let these affect your development in the other important areas of your life, such as your family, your friendships, your studies, and other activities like sports and so on.”

Not only will our kids feel that they are not that abnormal, they will also appreciate how we understand what they’re feeling. After all, we too have gone through these similar feelings and experiences before.

 

In their skin

In the book To Kill a Mockingbird, the protagonist Atticus Finch, in trying to explain what empathy was to his son, said: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view—until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.“

Let us ponder on whether we can try to get under our children’s skin, not to irritate them, but to “walk around in it”, and feel what they feel.

In the next episode, we will talk about the importance of forgiveness.