Episode 9: Be There For Them

In one of the documents of Vatican II, Gaudium et Spes, and often affirmed by Pope St John Paul II, we are told that we can find ourselves only through the sincere gift of self. Meaning that we can only find our meaning in life, and fulfil our vocation in life, by loving as God loves, in and through our bodies, by being gift to others, and in our context, especially to our spouse and our children. One of the ways we can do this, to love them as God loves, is by being there for them, by making time to be with them a priority in our lives.

Why is this important?

 

Loving Connection

For one, without an adequate quantity of time spent with our children, there will be fewer opportunities to find reachable moments and seize teachable moments. Reachable moments to bond more closely with them, and teachable moments to form them through the various situations that arise. These opportunities are often unplanned and unexpected, and can arise anytime during the time we spend with them. You would be surprised at how often these opportunities crop up.

Secondly, by being there for them, it transmits a strong message to them that they are important to us, giving them significant affirmation of our love for them.

Consider dedicating exclusive time with each of your children at least once a week – whether it is at their favourite fast-food joint, or ice-cream outlet, or even a walk in the park or at the beach. Just be there for them and let them know they are important and matter to you.

While you are with them, here’s a gentle but important reminder: you can and should talk about anything under the sun, except schoolwork, unless they bring up that topic themselves.

 

Truly Present

Being there for them does not mean just being physically there with them, but because we are body and spirit, we need to be there also with our mind and heart and soul.

Once, a young father recounted to me how frustrated he felt, even guilty, when while being with his child, he found himself getting easily irritated by the child. Why? Because during that time with his child, he would receive work messages on his phone which he felt he had to attend to. During that time, his child clamoured for his attention. He found himself scolding and shouting at his child for disturbing his work.

After some discussion, he decided he would put away his phone during the time that he spent with his child, thus making a conscious effort to give his full attention to his child. It worked. He was able to spend more and better quality time with his child. They became closer, and the child became much more secure and assured of his love.

In this day and age, the mobile phone can be a big hindrance to parent-child bonding. I suggest that when we are with our children, when we are having dedicated family time, we put away our phones and just be there for each other.

 

Distraction from Primary Vocation

On my part, I was guilty too as a young parent. Once, while my kids were still very young. I was approached to be an animator for Masses in the parish. Without consulting my wife (a disastrous course of action as I would learn through our marriage), I responded with a spontaneous yes. I was already an active member of the Catholic Medical Guild at that time. Becoming an animator meant hours were spent away from our young family for practice and training.

I was really passionate about the ministry, and I really wanted people to praise and worship God with all their voice and with all their heart. I remember once, at one of the Masses, I chose a very lively hymn, and I got the congregation to try and sing as well and as loud and as quickly as they could.

After the Mass, the good parish priest came to me and said: “You know, John, erm… it’s good that you want a fast hymn for the congregation, to sing and praise the Lord with. But you might want to remember that this is a 7am crowd. The parishioners are in their seventies and eighties. Did you notice that half of them could not follow you and the other half were quite breathless trying to catch up with your pace and tempo?”

When I was questioned by my wife as to where my priorities were, I actually responded by telling her it was more important to serve God in church. A totally naïve and ill-informed position. The consequences were clear. My wife felt abandoned with young kids at home when I was away. And our kids pined for their absent father.

It was only later, on the advice and counsel of a much more mature and enlightened couple, that I realised my folly. My priority as a father was my family. While it was good to serve the Church when I could, it should not be at the expense of my family. Otherwise, my children would feel that they had lost their father to the Church. I was that close to making my children resent the Church for depriving them of their father at home. Thank God for sending messengers to shake me out of my ignorance!

Now, I’m not suggesting for a moment that we should not respond at all in any way to serve in Church ministry. It is certainly good to serve the Church in whatever way we can. But I suggest that loving our families and being there for them ranks highly on our list of God-given tasks. Our families must not be neglected in any way. Let us always prayerfully discern how it is and where it is that the Lord calls us to serve Him, in the family, the domestic Church, and in the Church at large.

 

Top Priority

As Catholic parents, we must make it a point to be where our children need us most – with them. As priest, prophet and king, we should do no less.

For our point of reflection today, let us ponder whether we have prioritised enough time for our children as we should, as we continue in our mission to lead them to Jesus.

In the next episode, we will discuss how best we can communicate with our children.