Episode 8: Affirmation
In this first episode of this mini-series that discusses the ABCs of connecting with our children, we explore the topic of affirmation.
Just as physical food is essential for our physical growth, affirmation of our children is indispensable for their psychological, emotional, and spiritual well-being. If our children do not have this most fundamental need fulfilled, they will start looking for it later on in life in other ways, often in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong faces.
This episode seeks to share with parents why right affirmation of our children is so important, and how we can use it in a way that will help us connect better with them.
Subsequent episodes in this second mini-series will cover the other alphabets in the acronym mentioned in episode 7:
- Being there for our children
- Communication
- Discipline
- Empathy
- Forgiveness
- God-centredness
- Honesty
- Integrity, and
- Joy
Listen as a podcast:
In this episode, we begin a mini-series discussing the ABCs of how we can connect with our children. The first is affirmation.
What is Affirmation?
The definition of affirmation is “to declare something to be true.” To affirm a child, then, is to bring across to them positive aspects of them that we know to be true. It basically communicates two important messages to them:
- First, you are loved; you are unique; you are irreplaceable. God’s love for you is unconditional. Our love for you is unconditional. We will always love you, no matter what. We love you for who you are. Not for what you can do or achieve. This is to affirm the innate dignity, goodness and preciousness in the eyes of God that every individual has.
- Secondly, we want to affirm them in the positive qualities that they show, for example, patience, generosity, kindness and so on. In other words, we want to affirm their practice of, and growth in, the virtues. As they are affirmed and encouraged to grow in these virtues, they will be able to participate more in God’s life, participate more in His love, and this will certainly help them achieve true happiness, indeed eternal happiness.
True Love
Why do we want to do these? Recall a fundamental tenet of the Catechism, and what was shared in the session on the Theology of the Body: that we are made in the image and likeness of God, which means we are made in love, to love, for love.
In other words, our children must know that they are loved. It is a fundamental desire that all of us have – to love and be loved.
Why is this important?
Because if our children do not have this most fundamental need fulfilled, if they do not experience this unconditional love of God through us, they will start looking for it later on in life in other ways, and often in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong faces.
Emotional Nourishment
Just as physical food is essential for our physical growth, affirmation of our children is indispensable for their psychological, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. Right affirmation will not only give them a good sense of self-worth, it will also give them the confidence and the resilience to flourish in life, and handle tough challenges that are inevitable in life, including difficult maths problems in national examinations that adults like me can’t even solve. They will know that what they have to do is try their level best, and let God take care of the rest.
At this juncture, I would like to make a clarification. When we affirm them in the qualities we see in them, we want to affirm qualities that they can control, so to speak, such as patience, kindness, generosity, and not qualities that they can’t control, like being “clever”.
Some examples include:
- I was very impressed by your patience while waiting for food to be served, even though I know you were hungry; or
- I was so touched by your generosity in sharing your toys with your brother, or sister; or
- Wow! Despite the challenges that you faced, you still showed such fortitude in trying your best to complete your project, as best as you could. Great job!
Unconditional Love
In summary:
- Our children need to know that they are good. Very good. Because God made them so.
- Our children need to know that we love them. Unconditionally. They need to know that they are loved for who they are, and not for what they can do, or the results that they attain, and certainly not for the honours they can achieve or the career choice that they make.
- They need to be affirmed for the positive qualities that they show, so that they can continue to grow in the virtues, and attain a life of happiness – indeed, eternal happiness.
As we end this episode, we as parents can use the following for our reflection:
- Do I want my children to develop according to my plan for them? Or would I rather help them flourish according to God’s beautiful plan for them?
- How can I affirm my child of my unconditional love for him or her? What are the positive qualities or virtues in my child that I would want to affirm?
In the next episode we will discuss one of these ways of affirming to our children that they matter to us – by B: being there for them.
Resources
- Affirmation! by Laureen Vierno
- Do you have your children’s interest at heart? by Jared Ng