Episode 25: Talking to Our Children About Sexuality – 10 to 12 Years Old

Today, we will discuss how we can talk about sexuality to our children from about 10 to 12 years of age.

Here are a few important principles to guide us in this mission:

1. Continue to build on our marriage so that our children can see, and learn, what true and mature sexual love is meant to be; and that sexual love must always be seen in the context of marital love.
2. We continue to affirm them in their innate goodness and beauty.
3. We continue to encourage open, honest and loving communication with our children.
4. At this stage, we prepare them for the changes they can expect in puberty.
5. Continue to affirm the concept that, being made in the image of God, we are meant to be gift to others.
6. Remember always to pray and entrust our children to our Lord.

With these principles as our guide, let us now outline how we can carry out chats with our children in this age group.

Changes in Puberty
At this stage, we can talk to them about puberty – which they can expect to experience soon. Prepare them for the impending physical changes that will take place in their development – their genitals, their pubic hair and so on.

For girls, it will be good to prepare them for the onset of menstruation as part of the maturation process to prepare them for motherhood in future. Mothers can explain to them what it is and how they can be prepared for it, so that they will not be shocked or unduly embarrassed when it happens.

Fathers too have a role. We can explain to our daughters that, as they develop their secondary sexual characteristics, such as the enlargement of their breasts and pelvis, guys may be attracted to their physical attributes. It will thus be important to continue to be modest in their dressing, to protect their dignity, so that others will not be tempted to look upon them as objects to be lusted over, but rather as persons to be respected and loved. I’m not talking about covering them from head to toe; what I am saying is that there are many types of clothes out there that are fashionable, and elegant at the same time, which can continue to bring out their beauty with which God has endowed them.

For boys, fathers can explain that as their genitals develop in puberty, there may be times when they start experiencing “wet dreams”. This is a manifestation of their development as their bodies prepare for manhood, for fatherhood.

Emphasise that all these developments are meant to prepare them to be a gift to their wife in a life-giving way in future. This can also be a time when we teach them that it is not right to “deliberately stimulate their genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure” (CCC, 2352). Their bodies are meant to be a special gift for their wives in future, and should not be used for selfish reasons.

Crushes
It is also at this stage when sexual attraction to those of the opposite sex is likely to begin. I remember I started taking notice of girls from the age of about 9 years or so. Explain to them that “crushes”, or feelings of infatuation, are common and a very normal part of growing up. These are merely feelings which will come and go.

They should not act on them by pursuing serious one-on-one relationships; neither should they be distracted from their work or other activities by them. As mentioned in an earlier episode on communication with and empathy for our children, it will be interesting for them if we could share with them the crushes we had when we were their age, and how we handled them – maybe even mishandled them.

God’s Plan
In all the developments mentioned above, place everything in the context of God’s design for love, marriage and sex. He made us that way, to prepare us physically, emotionally, and spiritually, to become good fathers and mothers in the future, so that He can continue His work of creation through the love of husband and wife.

As we continue to help them prepare to be givers rather than grabbers, it would be good to encourage them to help others, especially those in need; for example, their siblings, their friends, their neighbours. Encourage them to practice acts of charity, such as saving money to donate to the less fortunate, or helping them in other ways – what the Church teaches as the corporal and spiritual works of mercy. Once again, we should be role models for them as we lead them in this journey.

Pornography
Surveys have shown that it is in this age group, between 10 to 12 years of age, that many of our kids will be exposed to pornography, in one way or another, accidentally or otherwise. We need to prepare them for this, which is almost a given in today’s world.

Continue to foster open, honest and non-confrontational communication at home. Encourage them to let us know should they accidentally come across any pornographic material. Should they come across such materials, they should guard their eyes, put these aside and let us know.

When they do tell us, we are not going to respond with a “Don’t you ever see that again, you hear?” Instead, thank them for being honest and open with us. Try to understand the circumstances in which this happened, and then explore ways with them to see how they can avoid such incidents in future.

They need to know we are on their side in this difficult journey, and never against them. Of course, no method of avoidance is absolutely foolproof, but the idea is there, which is to journey together with them, and not leave them alone to their devices, pun intended. Setting up filters and accountability software will help a great deal, and we will explore these in a later series on navigating the digital world.

Communication
Continue to make use of teachable moments when these present themselves, e.g. when watching movies together or when playing computer games and certain scenes pop up, sharing relevant newspaper articles with them, real-life examples that we see around us, and so on.

Once again, and I cannot emphasise this enough, frequent short talks are the key, and continue to show openness to any queries and concerns they may have. Let them know you are there for them and you are available for them.

At the same time, give them their space. Sometimes they do need some quiet time to process some thoughts. But be assured: deep inside them, they too prefer that you are their sexuality educator, rather than other sources outside of the home. It’s just that we have to be seen as being for them, with them, and never against them.

Handling Abuse
I’m sure we have read so many reports about sexual grooming and abuse of minors.

From very early childhood, encourage our children to let us know if they feel they have been touched or spoken to in an inappropriate manner, or shown pornographic materials. This can only happen when our channel of communication with them is open, honest and supportive.

If they do bring up such incidents, let them know how glad we are that they raised it up to us.  Thank them for bringing it up to our attention. Affirm them for doing so. In a calm loving tone, try to find out what actually happened, then see how best to pursue the matter with the relevant authorities.

Never ever put the blame on them, or show your anger at them. Otherwise, they will just keep more things from us, and become even more vulnerable. In fact, at such times, more than ever, they will need us to be there with them, by them and for them. They need to know we love them no matter what.

Summary

1. At this stage, start preparing them for the changes to be expected in puberty.
2. Sexual love should always be placed within the context of marital love, and within the context of being gift. We called to be givers, not “grabbers”.
3. We must continue to keep our channels of communication with them open, loving and supportive. And finally,
4. Never forget to pray and fast for our children.

For our reflection at the end of this episode, let us ask ourselves: how can I be a gift to my spouse and children, in a way that will encourage my children to be gifts to others as well?

Next time, we will share about how we can talk about sexuality to children from about the ages of 13 to 16 years.