Episode 20: Understanding Sexual Desire

Many of us think that Eros or sexual desire is the attraction to, and perhaps the desire to have sex with another person, and chastity is simply the avoidance of sexual intercourse, or maybe even the annihilation of sexual desire within us. But this is far, far from the truth.

In order to understand what these terms really mean, let us once again turn to Pope St John Paul II’s Theology of the Body that we discussed briefly in episode 2 of this series. You would remember some of the concepts that we brought up, namely:

1. We are made in the image and likeness of God;
2. Since God is love, and we are made in His image, we will find fulfilment only when we love as He loves;
3. God exists as an eternal exchange of love in the Holy Trinity. Made in the image and likeness of the Holy Trinity, we too are made for loving communion;
4. This call to loving communion is stamped right here, in our male and female bodies. The fruitful love of husband and wife in the union of their bodies is meant to image Trinitarian love, a love which is free, total, faithful and fruitful. Not only are we designed for that union, to love as God loves in all our masculinity and all our femininity; we are also given a desire for that union.

With this in mind, we can now have some idea of what sexual desire is.

 

Seeing Through God’s Eyes

But to understand it even better, let us turn to what Pope St John Paul II described as original nakedness, one of the original experiences of man, male and female, that is, before the fall. Referring to the verse “And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:25) St John Paul tell us that this verse “presents one of the key elements of the original revelation.”

Why were they not ashamed?

Because they looked at each other as God looked at them. They saw God’s plan of love inscribed in their naked bodies. They saw each other as only God would see, and it was very good! And with that, their only desire was to love as He loves in and through their bodies.

They saw and knew each other “with all the peace of the interior gaze.” (TOB 13:1) as Pope St John Paul II tells us.

And as they looked at each other as God would look, in love, they were not afraid of the other’s gaze, because “perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). And this is how our first parents experienced sexual desire. How they experienced eros, as a desire to love the other as God loves, in a sincere gift of self to the other that was free, total, faithful, and fruitful.

In fact, St John Paul II said that the “fullness of ‘eros’… implies the upward lifting of the human spirit to what is true, good and beautiful, so that what is ‘erotic’ also becomes true, good and beautiful.” (TOB 48:1)

Which is also why Pope Benedict XVI, in his encyclical Deus Caritas Est (God is Love) said that “Eros” and Agape” are one: Eros… is so purified as to become one with agape (DCE, 10)

 

The Opposite of Love

What is the opposite of love? Many of us would think it is “hate”, wouldn’t we? But for St John Paul II, the opposite of love is not so much hatred, but lust, a disordered state of experiencing sexuality.

Before the Fall, our first parents experienced sexual desire as a desire to be a total self-gift of one to the other, in a love that was free, total, faithful, and fruitful. But after the Fall, instead of experiencing it as a desire to love as God loves, instead of being gift to the other, they experienced lust – a desire instead to use the other, to grasp the other, for one’s own gratification, whether it is physical or emotional gratification.

Isn’t that what we so often experience today? Where we continuously have to struggle with, and battle for, the purity of our hearts? It is an uphill battle. But be not afraid. As Pope St John Paul often does in his teachings, he invites us to allow Jesus into our lives to be our Redeemer and Saviour, to change our hearts, to remove the hardness of our hearts, and to purify them in His love. Not only will we find peace and happiness; we will also find liberation, liberation not just from our weakened nature, but also liberation for greatness – to love an other as Christ loves, and as God had meant us to love from the moment He created us.

 

Directing It Fruitfully

We know sexual desire is powerful. Some have compared it to a raging river, which if not controlled or managed, can cause immense destruction. But if we were to, say, put up dams and embankments and irrigation channels at strategic points along the river, the energy of the raging waters may not only be controlled, but also put to good use, allowing us to harness electricity for power, and redirecting the water to irrigate the surrounding land, providing life, foliage and fruits for the benefit of all.

Likewise, many have therefore compared the virtues which act like dams and irrigation channels in directing our sexual desire to where it can give life, and authentic love. In particular: chastity. As the catechism tells us, “The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him… [which] ensures the unity of the person.” (CCC, 2338)

We will discuss chastity in the next episode. What does chastity really mean? How we can live it, and how we can form our children in this virtue? How can we prepare and guide our children for this journey ahead?