Episode 44: Helping Our Children Find Happiness

I am sure many of us parents, if not all of us, want our children to be happy.

We give them good food to satisfy their hunger and nourish their bodies; we buy them clothes and shoes that they like to wear, be these fanciful shoes with lights flashing away with every step they take or the latest fashionable sports shoes they have been eyeing on; we give them extra tuition and enrichment classes in the belief that with better performances in the academic and co-curricular areas, they can go further in life, gain greater honour and prestige, earn more money, and therefore be more likely to find happiness.

But is this really true? An op-ed written by two sociologists for The Straits Times in January 2023 does not agree with the idea that money can buy us happiness. They said that “having more money doesn’t automatically translate into greater life satisfaction.” Instead, what does bring about happiness is good relationships with loved ones, such as spouse, family and friends.

Interestingly this opinion is strongly corroborated by numerous other studies, including the longest running one on happiness conducted by a team at Harvard University. According to its project director, Dr Robert Waldinger, “Personal connection creates mental and emotional stimulation… while isolation is a mood buster.”

Why is this so?

Defining Happiness

What is happiness in the first place?

Happiness has been defined as an emotional state characterised by feelings of satisfaction, contentment, and fulfilment.

In other words, it is a positive emotional state brought about when a need or desire is satisfied.

What are these? At a basic physiological level, as living beings, as animals, we have a desire for self-preservation, so we find fulfilment in things such as food (chocolates, anyone?), drink, and reproduction.

However, at a slightly higher level, there is another level where we seek fulfilment – our desire for self-esteem. Thus we seek validation, we seek greater recognition in the hope that through gaining greater honour, accumulating greater material assets, perhaps even power, we will be seen as persons worthy of respect and love.

But here again, this sense of happiness is brought about through external factors, many of which are outside our control. Not just that, many of us who are more “mature” (a euphemism which basically means older) will have realised that the happiness brought about by these pursuits, be it wealth, honour, power, or pleasure, is at best temporary, and never seems to be enough to satisfy our deepest cravings. Can we remember the last time we had a big pay rise? Or a promotion? Or the last time we bought our “dream house”? How long did that great feeling last? All too often, once we have obtained something that we desire, the initial exhilaration dissipates soon after, and then we find ourselves seeking the next best thing to try to satisfy our hungry hearts.

True Joy

There is, however, another level of happiness which is not affected by external factors, and which can be permanent. By this, I’m referring to joy. There is a definition of joy which I like, which I heard from one of Fr Mike Schmitz’s talks. He says that joy is the abiding and pervasive sense of well-being. The abiding and pervasive sense of well-being. This joy is not affected by our having or not having our desires fulfilled by external factors. Instead, it is an internal sense of well-being that is stable, even despite negative external circumstances.

Why is this so? We would remember that as human persons, we are both body and spirit. So not only do we find happiness in having our physiological and psychological needs met, we also find happiness, and more meaningfully so, when our spiritual needs are met.

And what is our deepest need? Since we are made in the image and likeness of God, who is love, in fact the eternal exchange of love in the Holy Trinity, we were made in love, made for love, made to love. We were made by God, for God. We were made for communion. Which is why when we live out the image of God in and through our bodies as gift, when we love and are loved as He loves in a communion of persons, we will experience joy. We will find meaning in our lives. And when we enter into intimate communion with Jesus our bridegroom, our source and our goal, that will be the ultimate joy. Which is why St Augustine was spot on when he famously said, “You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in You.” (Confessions)

It is precisely this state of being in communion with God that will bring our children true happiness, true joy.

Isn’t this the greatest gift that we can give to our children?