Episode 57: Is Masculinity Toxic?

Not too long ago, there was a most sordid and heart-breaking case that went to court. It was a case that involved ‘wife-sharing’, where a few husbands took turns to sedate their own wives and then invited other men to rape them in their sleep.

‘Repugnant’ and ‘vile’ would be understatements to describe this crime. It is heart-wrenching to think of the pain caused to the victims, and the intense sense of betrayal they must have felt at the hands of their own husbands.

Reactions to the case were swift and furious. ‘Beastly’, ‘monstrous’, and ‘abominable’ were words used by many to describe the crime. And understandably so.

However, an opinion piece in a local newspaper, which caught my attention, referred to the case as an expression of ‘toxic masculinity’.

Based on this reading, masculinity is used to dominate and use, even abuse, our female counterparts for the man’s gratification.

Definition

Is masculinity really toxic? I guess to answer this question, we need to ask ourselves: What is masculinity in the first place?

Various dictionaries have defined it as “the characteristics that are traditionally thought to be typical of men”. The problem we find in this definition is – how do we define what is “typical”?

As we know, this can vary according to culture and time.

What we do need is a definition of masculinity that is clear, consistent and unchanging, regardless of culture and time. One such definition would be that masculinity merely refers to the fact of being a man, as referenced in the Oxford Dictionary.

Thus, masculinity simply refers to our maleness, and how we express it in and through our male bodies. Similarly, femininity refers to a girl or woman’s femaleness, and how she expresses it in and through her female body.

Obviously, there are so many varied yet different ways of expressing our masculinity. Some men are more gentle than others. Some are more aggressive than others. Some take more risks than others. Others are totally averse to risktaking. Some are more interested in the arts than the sciences. Some are more interested in certain sports, while others are totally averse to it. That is the richness of how God has made us men. Doesn’t it at least make us a little bit more interesting?

But the fact remains that no matter how we may express our maleness, our masculinity, we nevertheless will always remain male, because that is how we are created, that is our nature, and that is something that factually cannot be changed.

There is a reason for this, which leads us to the next question – what is masculinity made for?

Purpose

To find the answer, we turn to our Creator Himself. To discover who we are as man and woman, and thus masculinity and femininity, Jesus points us to God’s original plan for us “from the beginning” (cf. Matthew 19:8).

That brings us all the way back to Genesis, where we are told that God made man, male and female, in His own image (Genesis 1:27). Since God is love, that would mean we were made in love, for love, to love. We will therefore find fulfilment only when we love as God loves, by being a sincere gift to others (Gaudium et Spes, 24).

And since we are made in the image and likeness of the Holy Trinity, we are made for fruitful, life-giving communion.

And guess what? God wanted to make His plan so obvious that He created our bodies male and female.

While both men and women are absolutely equal in dignity, their distinct complementarity and reciprocity makes possible life-giving communion through the mutual and total bodily gift of each to the other.

As Pope Saint John Paul II said, “The body, which expresses femininity ‘for’ masculinity and, vice versa, masculinity ‘for’ femininity, manifests the reciprocity and the communion of persons. It expresses it through gift as the fundamental characteristic of personal existence.” (Theology of the Body, 14:4)

“Masculinity-femininity, namely sex, is the original sign of a creative donation.” (TOB, 14:4)

Therefore, masculinity (and femininity, which will be discussed in a later episode) was meant from the beginning to be a gift – a creative and life-giving donation in love.

Christlike Gift

As initiators of the gift – our bodies being designed this way – men must offer the gift of our masculinity for the good of others.

How so? Once again, we turn to Jesus, God who became Man to initiate the gift of Himself to us.

In His male body, he showed us what authentic masculinity is:

• He used His strength to carry the cross in sacrificial love for us.
• He gently led the adulterous woman and the woman at the well to recognise the One who alone could satisfy the deepest longings of their hearts for love.
• He courageously and firmly protected the sanctity of His Father’s house by driving away those who desecrated the temple.
• He humbly came to serve His spouse the Church and did not demand to be served.

Men, too, are called to live out our masculinity – as gift.

• With humility and strength, we sacrifice ourselves, especially our pride and selfishness, as we put ourselves at the service of our wives and work with them for the good of each other, our children, and society.
• With all our strength we strive to protect and uphold their dignity and well-being. For this we need to practise and live the virtues, as we continually die to our lust and self-centeredness.
• And with gentleness and love, we lead others to discover their one true love, Jesus.

Is this going to be a walk in the park? I’m sure you will agree with me – no way. Experience tells us that living out authentic masculinity is not easy at all. We are hampered by our human weaknesses and the many wounds we carry from our past.

We need Jesus. As Pope St John Paul II reminded us, “Of which man are we speaking? Of man dominated by lust or of man redeemed by Christ?” (Veritatis Splendor, 103)

Yes, we live our calling to authentic masculinity not by our own strength, but by Him who redeems and sustains us with His grace and mercy.

Only then can we repeat and live these words with Him: “This is my body given for you” (Luke 22:19).

This is authentic masculinity as God had planned for us from the beginning.

That said, masculinity does not make sense without femininity, and it is the power of the feminine genius that we will explore in a later episode.