Episode 46: Raising Successful Children

Many of us would go out of our way to help our children succeed in life. We enrol them for enrichment classes in pre-school; some even for tuition classes at such a tender age; we enrol them in the best schools which we think will provide them with the best education. The list goes on.

Why do we go through so much trouble? The answer, I would proffer, is because we want our children to succeed later in life. I am glad these classes did not exist when I was a kid. Or maybe they did and my parents were, thankfully, unaware of it.

Let us take a step back and ask ourselves: what is success? Success is typically defined as accomplishing a goal we have set out to achieve, for example, getting a pass for my Chinese at the “A” level examinations, which till today I still consider as one of my biggest life achievements.

On a more serious note, as many of us know, success comes with hard work, and developing good habits in life. In other words, we need virtues.

Practice Makes Perfect

What is a virtue? As the catechism tells us, “A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good.” (CCC, 1803)

Simply put, it means the habit of doing good.

What does this entail? Let’s take the piano, for example. I for one cannot create beautiful music with it, because I was not trained to play the piano. Put me at a piano and I will mercilessly torture your ears with the way I bang on the keys.

But put a concert pianist there, and the result will be quite different. She will tease the keys and play such beautiful music that your heart will be lifted to the heavens. Did it come naturally to her? Well, she may have been musically inclined, even gifted. But you can be sure that she must have spent years and years of practising on the piano to be where she is today, when it appears almost effortless for her.

The same with virtues. We need to learn what they are, then practise and practise and practise again, until doing the good becomes almost effortless, but all the time with God’s grace and guidance.

The importance of forming our children in the virtues has been studied by various researchers. One of the most famous studies in this area, the Marshmallow test, was first conducted in the 1970s by psychologist Walter Mischel. In this study, pre-school children were each put in a room by himself or herself with a marshmallow. They could either eat the marshmallow in front of them there and then, or they could wait a little longer and get two marshmallows later.

What they found was interesting. The children who waited longer, and therefore enjoyed two marshmallows later instead of one, subsequently did better on academic test scores, were less likely to exhibit problem behaviour, and had a healthier body mass index and better relationships later in life. Obviously we cannot discount the possible influence of genetics, neurocognitive factors and social factors, among others, but the association between temperance, prudence and successful outcomes later in life is certainly there.

Firm Foundation

If we think about it, there is a reason why having these virtues will help our children succeed in life. We need temperance to control and manage our desires correctly, so that we can avoid doing what is wrong and instead choose to do what is right. We need fortitude to do what is right even when we are swimming against the tide, even when obstacles are put in our way.

We need justice to give others their due in the family, the workplace and society, thereby gaining greater respect among peers and colleagues; and we need prudence to know what to pursue, how to attain it, and when to do so. In fact, prudence has been known as the charioteer of the virtues, because it directs the other virtues in a way that helps us achieve the good in the right way and at the right time.

The topic of virtues is a huge one – we recommend some resources to you below. I would also recommend the book The Art of Living by Dr Edward Sri, which casts light on this topic in a simple, clear, and practical manner. Reading it was like an examination of conscience which made me realise how lacking I was in the virtues I am called to exercise.

It is quite likely that our children will ask us why we need to do good in the first place. Good question.

For any project to be successful, we must begin with the end in mind. And the ultimate end that we are working towards is to be with God in heaven. To do that we will need to live a Godly life, which is to love as God loves.

This is where the theological virtues of faith, hope and love come into the picture.

In a nutshell, it is through faith that our children will believe in the God Who created us in love to share in His divine life.

It is through hope that our children will have the motivation to live the virtues in anticipation of their final destiny, which is Heaven.

It is through charity, or love, that they will be able to perfect themselves in the virtues, in order that they can know, love and serve the Lord through whichever vocation He has given to each of them, in the home, in Church and in society.

And this is the ultimate success that any parent would wish for our children, and ourselves for that matter. When we love as God loves, in whichever state of life we are in, through living the virtues. 

How will we know we have succeeded in this endeavour? We won’t, until we and our children meet God face to face at our final judgement. In the meantime, as St Mother Teresa has said, we are called to be faithful, and to rely on the infinite grace and mercy of God to carry us through this journey.